Cleaning jokes are your key to laughter in the midst of real hard work. Remember that laughter is good for your immune system and for your heart!
My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Yes, darling, I know. That's why I married a college graduate." Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Martha's Way v.s. Mary's Way
#1 Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Mary's way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.
#2 Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
Mary's way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.
#3 Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Mary's way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
#4 Martha's way: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.
Mary's way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
#5 Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
Mary's way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.
#6 Martha's way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.'
Mary's way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
#7 Martha's way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Mary's way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
#8 Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".
Mary's way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. My motto: If it's cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.
#9 Martha's way: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
Mary's Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
#10 Martha's way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
Mary's Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
#11 Martha's way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Mary's way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.
#12 Martha's way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
Mary's way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.
#13 Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china. * Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. * Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. * Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
Mary's way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
What Goes Around Comes Around
My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it.
"Mom," I said. "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used make such a mess and drive you crazy with water pistols?"
My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember."
Grocery Store Patience
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."
It's Not the Detergent That Gets You
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my frog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
Always Read the Label
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Texas A & M."
Cold Water Cleaning
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."